So I was in the bahamas this one time, on vacation. It was great, just relaxing at the beach and going out at night.

One of the days we decided to hit up the straw market — this huge flea market type thing with straw roofs over everything. Mostly chlocking cheap tourist crap to tourists, tshirts, shot glasses, beach towels, that kind of junk. The word was, they were BIG on haggling. They loved haggling, and the whole fun of the market was to go in and haggle your self some good prices. Having never really done anything like that and being accustomed to simply paying the price that came up on the barscanner, we figured we’d give it a shot. Also, I was plastered drunk by 2pm.

So we walk around and around, trying to pick out my target. Do I want an airbrushed Jimi Hendrix Tshirt? A little sailboat made out of coconut shells? How about a nice hula skirt made out of sawgrass? I’m devising complex formulas in my head for how the negotiations are going to go. Should I ask for their asking price first and then counter? Should I low ball them out of the gate, say at 20% discount of what their competitor is selling the same product for? I considered doing random polls of prices from the other side of the market and then using it as leverage for the booths I hadn’t hit. Judging by the boxes of unopened stock people had, and based on the crowd numbers there that day that I approximated by taking random 40sq ft population samples as well as the actual ratio of purchases to failed bids, I began doing supply/demand calculations to determine the optimal strategy for getting the lowest price. I estimated I’d need at least 3, maybe 4 rounds of bidding. I’d start with a 15% price drop over what they say, let them counter with a 5% price drop, then I’d pretend to walk away and then come back and offer 20% price drop — this would scare them into thinking I might not buy, they’d offer 10%, then I’d offer my original 15% and they’d cave. Victory!

Plan in hand, I marked my target and made a line for her wares. I spotted this fantastic little miniature catamaran thing made out of bamboo, that had a series of shot glasses as its cargo, looked quite handmade. I eye it carefully, but with an aloof demeanor. I pretend I am a millionaire businessman, casually shopping for something I could buy 1000 of if I so chose. Off hand, as if I don’t care, I ask, “How much?” She says, “$60 dollars”.

Then out of nowhere, I just blurt out “I’ll give you a dollar for it.”

What the fuck? Why the hell did I just say that? Well, too late now, I had to go with it. I give her the evil eye to show I mean business and that I’m dead serious with my offer. Hopefully she’ll counter with $58 and I can slink out of here without anyone knowing.

She just looks at me and says “No, go away. Get out of here!” I’m like, seriously? Freaking make me an offer back, I’m haggling here! Next thing I know I’m getting run out of the whole market by an old bahamian woman.

Haggling sucks.